Wednesday, February 14, 2007
What can I say?
Life's been busy busy busy.
I'm like perenially sleeping during LECTURES+TUTORIALS.
So seriously,
I don't like Singapore's education system. I mean it's just not made for me.
I like intellectual debates,
I like talking,
I like interacting,
I like arguing about different schools of thought in a logical, rational manner with other smartS people.
Instead of listening to people rattle on and on.
I so cannot stand one-way communication.
I think it must be the influence of Yan Meixin leh.
Like so seriously,
I never thought I was chatty, or like to talk much.
WAH!!! But she can talk just for talking's sake you know.
So everytime we sit together it's like UH-OH.
There's bound to be chattering non-stop.
But it makes no diff to me lar.
Because my time in school when LEARNING usually goes like this:
If I'm not talking,
I'm sleeping.
If i'm not talking and not sleeping,
I'm daydreaming. =Pp
I think hor,
it's like, she's one of those people whom you can have fun with talking abt ANYTHING.
So,,,
Good lor. XDD
It's like ah-bu-lan-neh? Right...?
It's like ever since we came back from the camp,
I so feel like there's this half of the class that is so segregated from the academic world. LOLLL
When Mrs Chin gave us these bombastic DE questions during H2 Maths,
our common sentiments were like -xin suan- heart sour.
Then I was like...
Fine I admit that
[I got 250] for my PSLE because I attached a blank cheque with it.
[I got 8] for my O' Level because I attached a house mortage with it...
I'm gonna need 80% of Microsoft, maybe plus Google too,,,Shares to get my As for my A Levels.
A Levels simply makes me feel so dumb,
like NEVER EVERRR in my life.
I may not be self-confident all the time.
But I'm like persistently PROUD of myself, and stuck-up as can be [I THINK, mentally].
But all the schoolwork is simply so so so making me feel dumb.
Not to mention my utmost distaste with our Chemistry tutor. ROARRR!!!!!
My heart is like still lingering about Introduction to Organic Chem... Then Sharon Lim left. OH. (u)
I don't wanna feel dumb.
Because it's such a HOLY pain in the ass,
like some DIVINELY demonistic shit. ROARRR!!!
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Of course the worst of it all is that I know and I believe that I'm capable of great things, as long as I commit myself to work hard.
But there's still this part of me this too grown to complacency and getting things done easy that kept on ranting hardwork is for dumb people. So if I have to work hard to do well, even if I get gorgeous results, it still shows that I'm dumb. Because smart people are supposed to get everything all done really easily.
Or maybe I really am dumb,
to not to see that SMART people know that it is 99% perspiration+1% aspriation which will REALLY pay off in ultimatum.
Like,
whateverrr lor.
Somehow I DO feel like appealing for retaining myself.
But I want VJC.
VJC,
that's like the dream JC of my dream JCs.
Because I so know,
that's the JC for me. Their spirit. Their culture.
The go-getters, the daredevils, the gung ho-ers, the enterprising energiser(!?).
As much as I think nothing beats the convenience of comformity,
of blending in with the crowd, and behaving like everyone else.
Fundamentally,
I can never turn away from the loner inside of me.
Or that, frigging stubborn soul who refuses to let her sorrow show, to be anything else but strong.
It's like even if you joke your days away.
Masquerade.
You will only know,
the voices within. The threads of thought entangling and unweaving themselves in your mind.
I know I act like an idiot,
cuz somehow I just hope that you can forget that your pains ever existed away.
If you're not mature,
if you didn't know so much, maybe there wouldn't be as much misery.
WAHHH I was supposed to be blogging about Valentine's Day! =.=
Alright,
THANKS to all those people who gave me sweets and chocolates and all sorts of gifts. ((=
I figure I'm getting all blue due to the hopeless schedule.
Otherwise,
I'm not really one to give a damn or a thought abt anything else except enjoying my day. Lala.
WAHHH!!!
Then I felt ultra dumb during Physics Lecture today too.
Kept on copying notes @ the wrong page,
copying equations down when they are like already printed on the page. Blah blah.
But I like the lecturer's style eh. ((=
If he was cuter (in looks) he would replace Sharon Lim in my heart... WAHH!!!! HEEX.
Somehow,
sometimes,
I wonder about,
how am I gonna live life?
Because I definitely can't stand 9-to-5 jobs.
And while most people do all the things they do because they want a wonderful family,
I figure I'll only enjoy myself risking my life in the Middle East, trekking through foreign landscapes, living in Third World poverty, putting my life on the line all the time. Things like that. I'm just not for stability.
I figure the problem with me is I'm far too open too liberal to all sorts of things that anything is fine by me, because I believe that it's the novelty of experience which I live for.
So I don't mind hedonistic, decadent lifestyles, wasting away in clubs and pubs.
Even as I enjoy intellectual stimulation from Philosophy books, clash of cultures and civilisations from real-world issues. Blah blah. Bitching about people for the fun of it is fun, so is debating about the merits of and backlash against globalisation. Blah blah.
Maybe it's the fact that I feel so torn between 2 halves like, constantly, all the time; that so so so truly marks the Gemini in me. Bleah.
It's like,
if you ask me would I rather be a bitch or a bimbo or a nerd or a geek or blah blah.
Above all else,
I just wanna be myself. ((=Be the person who won't let her weakness show,
be the person who embraces her short-comings all the same,
be the person who dreams of a really wonderfully great world,
be the person who imagines indulging in a fallen and rotten life,
blah blah.
A Levels is like the biggest turning point,
probably the most significant turning point for me. Ever since I walked out of myself and entered the world.
So I know I'm gonna conquer it,
coming out even better.
It's like survival to the fittest,
a rat race to the top.
I'll find my way,
the perfect life, my way.
Life is like such a complex, personal issue.
I'm just trying to make my own sense of it.
It really gets you down at times,
but I never stop believing in myself. Because I always know that, at the end of the day, all you've got in the whole world is no one and nothing else but yourself.
I'm like a die-hard advocate of individualism. XDD
Because I figure I never quite know,
how you are supposed to trust another person.
Since all my life, I never had another person to practise with. HMMMM.
其實我感覺要我難過是相當堅難的一件事.
因為實際和理性到極致的我總會覺得太不划算了.
可是冷漠的隱忍更讓人難受.
因為沒有宣洩的出口.就好像是我45角仰望天空,
而誰能看到黯淡的天幕下,
墨色的瞳孔里洶湧的落寞?
不管活多久,
看多少的書.玩多少的電腦.認識多少的人.吃多少可口的食物.買多少好看的衣服.
我還是固執地覺得,
固執地懷念.
記憶里那個頭髮也不理,光著腳就能在屋頂上無法無天地跳來跳去,咬一口冰淇淋,看一眼電影,就能樂上天,自以為生命也不過如此,妄想能掌握一切世界的死小孩.
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;rock YOU.
7:32 PM
