Sunday, December 10, 2006
Oh my god!
I think I can understand how the thai girls felt when they were typing in English le,
cuz I asked Chula to help me translate an ultra short English message mah.
And I spent 36 minutes COPYING it down,
in Thai.
Oh my holy Jeseus Allah Budda!
---
So free yet again, today.
Wa I can't stand sitting around and having nothing to do eh.
In a way I've been thinking,
I SRSly miss those days at the Village.
But I don't miss them in a omg-the-very-thought-of-it-fills-my-eyes-with-tears way.
I FIGURE I miss those days,
that kind of life; when every single second was filled with activity.
And you're just surrounded by people whose company keeps you entertained.
I THINK I miss everything,
but I'm too practical, too realistic.
Such that my REASON don't allow me to indulge in this whole sentimental emotion at all.
I just think, get an inkling of a feeling that I miss these things.
And the overwhemingly-practical side of me just prevent me from investing any emotion into this whole missing affair, because my brain tells me it's useless.
MISSING won't help a thing.
And then I was trying to figure out what I miss exactly about the place.
I figure it's really that sort of, everyone looking after each another, one big family sort of feel; warmth. That I hardly feel even at 'home', in Singapore.
In Singapore it's like it's either I go crazy outside,
hang out, do things for fun, which leave me with nothing afterwards; with friends.
Or I'm 'home',
with the comp in my room.
It's like,,,
I just feel kind of,
really alive, living the moment,,,at the village, I guess.
Because you know what you are doing, and you know it matters.
And you feel needed.
That is like so crucial so centre so important to human existence.
Cuz, like, many people turn to crime because they feel unwanted, outcasted, un-needed in a society whereby nobody seems to bother abt what they do.
No one would ever turn to crime if they have had hope in their lives,
felt hopeful, I believe.
It's like I think a criminal does not have criminal instincts to his/ her nature,
rather when hopelessness nourishes the seed of poverty, and poverty can be in a really broad sense, it can be poor spiritually, mentally, etc. that's when humans go out to harm others.
I think we are not really BORNE to harm each another,
it's like all that natural selection and evolution should have made it clear to us that we live on because we count on each other.
Like for example you may feel that you are independant of the person whom you love to gossip about.
Because you would do anything in your power to be as far away from that person as possible...
But in a subtle way,
I THINK you are dependant on that person who's like so unwelcomed by everyone else cuz gossiping abt him/ her satisfies certain saddistic needs of ourselves...?
Of cuz I love to bitch even when I think of all these,
I know I'm
evil. ((=
And I indulge in the PlEaSuRe of it.
OKIES I'm drifting away from my main point...
~
But once out of there,
I just couldn't wait to get back to Singapore.
To my rotten old life.
So for me I'd either be living life or just falling. To an endless abyss.
Didn't really have the time to think/ reflect abt all these until now,
when I'm like extremely free and slack.
That's why I love going out,
because sometimes my brains my thoughts can get too overwhelming for me.
And the worst thing is that my BRAIN simply tells me thinking about things don't help a bit,
yet my thinking can't help itself all the same.
So going out is almost like a shut-it-all-out drug to me, I guess.
And then all I have to do is ACT,
do mindless things,
and FORGET abt who I am.
Just be who I'm SUPPOSED to be.
I know who I am inside can be so out-of-this-world.
Then my reason just tells me to live among the majority,
live like the rest of the world,
despite THINKING like a marginal.
I like to live superficial-ly,
I like to be a hedonist,,,
Because my reason tells me that it's just unrealistic to be otherwise.
Sometimes I feel like I look at this world from the eyes of more than one person,
sometimes I feel like in my own life,
the world sees one FRONT of me,
but there are many more other things behind my back.
That I'll carry with me to the grave,
shut out forever.
It's like they are so deeply-embedded into my soul,
the very essence of my being,,,blah blah.
---
WAAA I can't stand sitting around and having nothing useful/ meaningful to do.
But I also can't think of anything fun to do outside,
SIANNNs.
Then I don't feel like touching school work yet,
ROARRRRRRRR.
---
ROARRR I shall blog abt the 2nd day of the Chiangmai trip in the next post then.
REALLY nothing better to do... ROARRR!!!
;rock YOU.
12:30 PM
